“A good friend is a good listener”.
How many days have I lived at war with my body?
I look back and can only remember victories and defeats.
Victories that I didn’t have a midnight snack and went to bed hungry. Victories when I pushed myself through a seven mile run with little to no sleep/rest in my body.
Defeats that included a second bowl of pasta, snacks before dinner, missed workouts due to a busy schedule.
I don’t remember teamwork.
I remember my body crying out for an afternoon netflix session on the couch and some cookies. I don’t remember my mind allowing that to happen. Nu-uh.
My body and mind have been separate entities. My mind is the micromanaging coach, it tells my body how to feel, act, respond. It’s expectations are high and unreachable. When my body fails to comply to these unattainable standards, it is war.
I am done fighting. I am done with the punishments. I am done living in a violent relationship with myself. It’s hazardous effects on my body mind and soul.
I don’t want the parts of me to be enemies. The hierarchy, competition, or victories and defeat is no longer, nor was it ever, sustainable.
I desire friendship, teamwork, camaraderie, and forgiveness–a harmonious community between all part of myself.
After three years of war, how do I find peace? How do I build an entirely new relationship with something I have often hated, my body.
This is a question I do not know the answer to yet. But I am aware of the violent and abusive relationship I am living within myself. And awareness is the first step to change.
I am sure there will be bloody fights awaiting in my future. But at least now, I realize that I hate, absolutely hate, fighting. And maybe, just maybe, I will instead have compassion and ask for forgiveness.