I don’t challenge myself enough. (*sigh*, just let me pity myself a little, ok?)
My day went like this…
I didn’t finish every bite of food for breakfast. I had a healthy, balanced, and skinny-ly portioned lunch. I walked a lot. I skipped my afternoon snack, while still expecting to workout when I got home. I felt pretty dang good. (Eeeek, hello ED).
Because I was letting ED do whatever he wanted, thoughts weren’t distracting my day. He was happy. Unfortunately, in a sick way, this brought me peace.
Arrived home for the day. Slumped into a chair. Motivation dwindled. Tummy grumbled.
“NOOOOO!!” I screamed inside my head.
This is the moment of the day where McCaleb and ED fight.
(Below is McCaleb’s internal dialogue).
I’m starved. I want food NOW. But I didn’t workout yesterday. Dinner. But don’t I have to work for it? Won’t it taste better if I workout first? Seriously? I wanted to be badass and do a HIIT workout. It was planned out dude.
What does a “normal” individual decide to do in a time like this? I sure as hell don’t know.
All that to say, I made a decision that made my eating disorder jump for joy (I’m too nice to him sometimes). I silenced all voices in my head, stuffed some Pringles in my mouth (thinking a little sodium would give me the energy I needed), and put on a sports bra.
As I threw my hair into a ponytail, I glimpsed at myself in the mirror. And I stopped.
“What is going on here?”
As I had been sitting in that chair, I was scrolling and reading through my ED-recovery Instagram feed. I was brainwashed (in a good way) by all these individuals efforts to share their ED stories, their inspiration, and their encouragement. My ED community was had at work, fighting the good fight.
I saw them challenge themselves, honor their body, listen to their cravings, and assess their energy levels before doing certain activities. I was inspired.
“This is what we need more of”, I said to myself in that armchair.
And here I was, three minute post Instagram scroll and ignoring all of my bodies cues. I was about to obediently go do what my culture taught me to do, which in turn, allowed a destructive dialogue to enter my head: “Tough it out, sissy. Do it for the GAINZ. Your body doesn’t know what’s good for you”.
I took a good, hard, and honest look at myself and my mindset shifted. I remembered that I have the wonderful honor to listen, respect and care for my body.
Burpees and jumping jacks? That sounded like the literal W-O-R-S-T. My body was crying for food and rest.
I looked in the mirror, said “Nope!”, and ripped that sports bra off in the proud name of recovery.
I’m thinking back to all the times I come home from a long day at work, exhausted and famished, second guessing myself six times if I should go to hot yoga. But I somehow go anyway. How? I don’t know.
I’m a strong woman ya’ll. So strong, fierce, and determined that I can’t even hear myself.
If I had decided I didn’t want to workout, I would have already decided that 12 hours ago. Heck, it probably would have already been in my planner….
Today, I made a choice IN the moment. In that moment, eating a slightly earlier dinner, and spending my evening energy on OTHER things sounded right.
Heck, I ALWAYS workout (don’t tell my therapist I said that) and some days I get so SICK AND TIRED of it.
I wanted to do something different on this evening.
So dinner, some cleaning, and some pampering is what it will be.
An eating disorder really fucks (excuse my french) with your mind. There are many days where I feel “great”, but in reality, I am really just keeping ED happy…and silent.
This evening, I agitated ED. This just might mean I’ve awakened the beast. This might mean thoughts will get louder. But recovery isn’t recovery unless you try something different.
Alright, now where is my Pad Thai….
PS. I am deeply encouraged by young woman and men who fight so hard for their right to be happy and healthy in a world that yells at us to lose fat and to gain muscle, a world that shames us for eating ‘devils’ chocolate cake (shame and evil is literally in the name).
I silently cheer on each of these brave young souls as I double tap their posts.