That Damn To-Do List

On your mark. Get set. Go.

A day includes work, school, obligations, responsibilities, adulting, planning, talking, the list goes on….

A day leaves little room for quiet.

What if more days consisted of arising from bed at a 2 mph rate. Bumming around the house with a coffee in hand. Reading the paper on the cafe patio. Calling Mama.

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(a cup of tea on a rainy day. who wouldn’t?!)

How often does this happen in your life? 

Ironically, its happening in my life right now, and I’m not sure how I feel about it…

Work has slowed, school ain’t in the picture yet, and WA air quality is at an UNHEALTHY level–so outdoor adventures are out of the picture. (*tear) These past few days, I’ve been couped up inside, with me, myself, and I.

What to do, what to do.

In my personal experience, when I get a day off, I stuff it with social activities, a workout, or a house cleaning. Even my vacations are scheduled to the T. 

There is a part of me that likes the distraction. It takes away my focus from destructive and unhealthy thoughts.

People, noise, stress, more people, responsibilities, more noise. It’s stimuli after stimuli.

I honor the fact that our human bodies thrive off of stimuli. We do well under pressure. I know I do. I love being busy. It gives me a sense of purpose.

But it’s funny (and dangerous) that I believe my purpose in life is to DO. I forget that I also need to BE.

Now I don’t necessarily like just BEING. I’m uncomfortable with my natural flow of thought and actions.

When I am simply allowed to BE, I’m forced to live with myself, my thoughts, and my actions. THIS, my friends, is when we learn healing, wisdom, and compassion.

For me, its the fact that I’m sitting on the couch at 11:30am still in my jam-jams. It’s the fact that everyone is DOING something with their day while I wipe down the kitchen counters for the fourth time.

“What a lazy bum you are, McCaleb”. Everyone is beating me.

A to-do list steers my attention toward a fleeting objective existence.

For one, I feel like everyone else. Tired. Slightly stressed. Etc. Etc. Hooray for being normal and boring!

For two, being bound to a list often makes me deny my present cravings, instincts, ideas and opinions. Most of the time, I’m OK with that and THIS is why I need to slow down on the planner/to-do list bandwagon.

My cravings, gut instincts, and raw, honest thoughts NEED to be acknowledged, whether they are good, bad, or silly.

I’m sure life would throw some pretty badass things towards me if I wasn’t so consumed by checking off the damn to-do list.

I’ve probably already been offered some wicked opportunities and experiences. But I missed them.

Today, I have a to-do list. Of course I do. Even when I don’t have anything pressing to do, I write out a to-do list.

But maybe one day, I will be able to live without self-imposed obligations and feel FREE. NOT lazy. NOT destructive. And NOT lost.

Cheers to a more subjective existence, my friends. May we guide our lives so that we can fully EXIST WITHIN.

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